the legal thing

Besides the normal sort of wedding questions, the one thing that people keep asking us over and over again is, will it be legal in Virginia? The answer, sadly, is no.

Virginia is an extraordinary inhospitable state for gays and lesbians, with blatant anti-gay laws on the books. More than the so-called "traditional" marriage statutes recently adopted by a number of states nationwide, Virginia's anti-gay statute is unusually -- and deliberately -- broad, purposefully written to prevent unmarried persons of the same sex from entering into any "union, partnership or other legal status similar to marriage."

At its broadest, this law could be twisted to prevent two people of the same gender from owning property or drafting power of attorney protections: the legal documents that allow us, for example, to visit each other in the hospital. The legal ramifications are still being forged, but many gay couples have decided that they don't want to spend their time living in fear, and are leaving the state. (Check out an article in the Washington Post about the gay exodus). A shame, really, because gays and lesbians contribute disproportionately to the state's tax base and I hear they could really use the revenue.

So, why should you care, if you're not gay? Well, the Virginia vendetta is not simply limited to gays and lesbians: the law could also be used to prevent, for example, me from purchasing property with a friend or one of Jen's sisters to start a business. Is it just me, or does that seem a bit intrusive?

There are currently only two states provide for full-fledged gay marriage: Massachusetts and Connecticut. The liberal Northeast, god bless 'em. (I would move to either state TOMORROW if I could convince Jen.) In addition, though New York does not issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples they do recognize gay marriages performed in other states. California, sadly, recently overturned the state's same-sex marriage law with the hard-fought Proposition 8 ballot measure in the November 2008 election. Although the disgusting "Yes on 8" campaign deliberately spread misinfomration and employed old-school scare tactics reminiscent of the McCarthy era, most analysts agree that the ballot measure passed due to the unusually high turnout of African American voters. Among Democrats, black voters are disproportionately anti-gay marriage. Ironically, all those people who voted for Obama's change campaign also set back the clocks for same-sex couples in California.

Other than the four states mentioned above, a few others also offer legal benefits for same-sex couples either in whole or in part: Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, New Jersey, Oregon, Washington, and the District of Columbia. (If you're interested in learning more, visit HRC's page on marriage and relationship recognition.) Our home state of Maryland is one of only a handful of states with no definitive statute on the books, either preventing or legalizing gay marriage. In 2006, a long and painful Supreme Court case decided that Maryland could not recognize a civil union performed in another state. So, now the issue is in the hands of our legislature. For such a reliably blue state, this is extremely disheartening. We may be the only state in the country with Democratic majorities at all levels of state government who has not yet addressed this issue. I'm still trying to decide whether this is because our elected officials are impotent or ignorant. Or both?

But back to the question at hand: no, our union would not be legal in Virginia. But it wouldn't be in Maryland either, at this point, so we feel that we can celebrate wherever we damn well please. And I guess I want to raise the question of my straight, married friends: did you only get married for the legal status? I mean, did you look into your lover's eyes and say, "Yes, I'll marry you because I really want to have access to your social security benefits when you tap out"? Come on. The legal protection is nice (and LONG overdue for same-sex couples, I might add), but the real purpose of a wedding is to share your joy and commitment with family and friends.

So, that's what we'll be doing on May 23rd. It's just a bonus that we get to flip bigoted ol' Virginia the bird at the same time.

114 days and counting

This is the story of two little girls getting hitched ... and I mean, to each other. Lesbian and gay weddings are hardly news these days: though many Americans are conflicted on the idea of gay marriage, same-sex couples are flocking to the chapel (or synagogue, or non-denominational house of worship, or Vegas drive-thru, or handfasting ceremony, or ...) in record numbers. Legal or not, we're ready to proclaim our committment to one another.

Despite middle America's queasiness, Hollywood and wedding vendors are on board. There are literally hundreds of websites out there to assist us with this quest, and everybody wants our money. And why not? Our demographic is an attractive one: we're highly educated, dual-income households with few dependents and loads of disposable income. Vendors that have historically catered to straight couples have found that they can cash in on the gay dollar without much extra effort. In a bad economy, we're the wedding industry's white whale.

-- but more on that later --

As I start this blog I wanted to introduce us by saying that, after more than six years together, my partner and I have decided to board the wedding train. We currently live in Maryland (both transplants from colder states that usually vote Democratic), but we've selected a lovely little town in Virginia to host our wedding festivities. Culpeper is a beautiful, Civil War era town with a charming main street brimming with luscious shops and gourmet restaurants. It's also home to one of Jen's four sisters, with whose family we spend a lot of time. So it wasn't much of a leap to choose their beautiful home as our wedding location.

Although we embrace Northern Virigina as part of the DC metropolitan area, most of us liberals find the rest of Virginia ... well, sort of .... scary. It's kind of like the back of your coat closet: there are things in there you haven't worn in 10 years, and you keep thinking of throwing out. Having spent most of my adult life in urban areas, planning our wedding in the country has opened my eyes to bigotry and homophobia that I had forgotten existed. This blog is partly a reflection on that, and partly just a chronicle of the zaniness involved in planning any other American wedding.


Oh, and PS: In the spirit of full disclosure, I feel that I should mention that I am an event planner by trade. Yes, I spend my days babysitting egomaniacs and b-list celebrities, and I'm really pretty good at it. But planning AN event and planning YOUR event are two different things. So, let's see how this goes.